My weave pet peeve

I know we’re all tired of hearing the “W” word, but some black girls make it incredibly difficult for us to zip it and carry on with our lives. Many things infuriate me with the hair weave, it is indeed a tricky matter to be always attempted with caution and like I always say, a hair weave is just like oral sex, if you’re going to go there do it good, do it right and follow through. Sadly organising a hair weave isn’t as easy as mastering arm thrusts, head bobbing motion and tongue work. It’s bad enough that the hair weave, is a bad copy-paste of all the Janes & Beckys of the world,  but when you do it with so many errors and glitches which make it painful to look at, you look like a serious mistake.

Here’s a rundown of a few things that irk me about the hair weave:

The patting & the scratching:

The sight of a fingernail aggressively buried deep, deep down in the depths of artificial fibre frightens me. I know Beyonce (God I love this bitch!) said its ok to “Pat your weave ladies, pat, pat pat your weave ladies”, but remember hers probably cost more than your salary. I hear women scratch because it gets itchy, if that’s the case, and it persists please seek medical attention.

Like Julius Malema your weave cannot be moved:

The natural element of wind can be disastrous, sometimes it’ll expose the meticulous grafting under your hair and other times it will put your weave to the test. All weaves should bounce and move, they should dance in the presence of a little Sasha Fierce stage wind, when yours cant, I get worried.

Why can’t I see your hairline? Girl whatchu hiding?

You can pay for weave but you can’t buy hairline. Even those who spend copious amounts on hair extensions can be victim to this tragedy. You’re short of hairline so you think you’re slick and can cover it with silky strands of hair? WRONG! We see you!

Highlights which look like streaks squirted on with a spray can:

Different shades of hair on a head are meant to look cool, that’s only if there’s cohesion. Nothing I hate more than seeing black hair with streaks of ginger. Rihanna made you think you could pull it off, didn’t she? Ha ha ha, SIKE!

Your weave is negligent; it refuses to cover its tracks:

Seeing factory threading of your weave and cotton strands and the untidy cornrows your hairdresser banged up is not cool! STOP THAT!

Why is your weave so oily, looking like it ate pig meat?

Greasy hair is disgusting. More so when one can see that a weave is not only shiny, but it’s dripping with hair food and God knows what else you put on it to try making it look cute. Not attractive.

*sniff* *sniff*  why does your head smell like plastic?

I’m very wary of weaves that glisten with hope because as I come close, It reeks of the factory floor your fibre was stitched in.

Is that a weave or a blanket?

I’m sure it was a good idea in winter but come summer time your weave can become responsible for making your forehead sweat like a sinner in church. That’s probably because it’s so thick and heavy and looks like a grey prison Pep blanket.

Why is your weave pregnant with an afro in the middle?

This is the most awkward blunder; the sight of a little afro sticking out in the middle of your head is Sad! Sad! Sad! Your weave should amalgamate with your hair, not separate. U.N.I.T.Y!

I believe the point of a weave is to deceive me, to trick me. Which is why I get upset when you’re in my eye space and fail to fulfil this purpose, hence I tell all my girlfriends to adhere to the following rule when debating about a new hairstyle: When in doubt, BRAID!

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WHAT HE SAID: Baltasar Gracián

“THE TRUTH IS GENERALLY SEEN, RARELY HEARD”

Baltasar Gracián ( A Spanish Jesuit & Baroque prose writer)

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A good MUSIC find: Lianne La Havas.

She’s 22, purely beautiful, from South London, and she’s an amalgamation of Greek & Jamaican goodness & best believe she sounds worthy of your ear’s attention.

She admits to having wasted time drinking tea & smoking cigarettes and falling in love only to later challenge herself to release an EP before this year comes to an end. Her voice is solid & wholesome, she sounds sweet with intense maturity making her voice valuable. Like many British songstresses, her songs are filled with personal experiences and burnt marks love left. Add that with real talent & you can trust that she is about to become major.

On starting her music career, she wanted to enter talent shows but realised that they were becoming less & less good. So she took to myspace (back when it was still cool), found a manager & is now signed to Warner Bros.

Her UK tour starts 15 Nov, & her EP is put November 21.

“You just look ridiculous, in your disguise. Yes I found you out. This is my last goodbye.” –  Gone

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What he said: Frank Zappa

 

“IF YOU END UP WITH A BORING, MISERABLE LIFE BECAUSE YOU LISTENED TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAD, YOUR TEACHER, YOUR PRIEST, OR SOME GUY ON TELEVISION TELLING YOU HOW TO DO YOUR SHIT, THEN YOU DESERVE IT” 

 

-Frank Zappa, (composer, singer-songwriter, electric guitarist, record producer and film director)

 

. . . And the Church said AMEN!

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MUSIC VIDEO COOL: Janelle Monae “Many Moons”

I remember seeing this video for the first time 3 years ago & thinking “WOW!” “Who is this girl?!”. Thanks to YouTube and the internet we got well acquainted. There’s nothing not to love about this video, I usually roll my eyes at futuristic music video concepts but this I endorse! Off her first official studio album Metropolis: Suite I (The Chase) which was released on August 24, 2007. It’s hard to believe that she’s signed to Diddy’s label .

She is in my opinion the most innovative, refined artist in the game at the moment, a true visionary. This video speaks volumes on what a force this girl is. Such a pity she is so underated and the current music community don’t appreciate her as much as they should, they’d rather see Katy Perry wearing a bra that jizzes fresh cream *yawn*. One thing’s for sure though, if this were the MOTOWN era, this girl would be collosal. And I do believe that her audience will grow as people gradually pay attention.

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BIG DICK

Fact: A penis that is larger than the regular Johnson makes some difference. Yet a large member is one of those things that are often left unspoken, but the issue of a big dong looms, whether you have a massive one or not. The Wikipedia page on human penis size says that “perceptions on penis size are culture specific”. This is true, Greeks in renaissance art favoured an uncircumcised small micro-dick and found large penises to be obscene, whiles the Arabs, Romans and Africans preferred large shafts. This is probably because a penis is one of the most powerful things the human species posses next to a vagina and a brain. The vagina holds higher rank in my opinion for its abilities and miraculous capability of being an exit point for all natural human life. Back to the issue of big dicks, whether you’re heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, transsexual, asexual and whatever other labels of sexuality the liberal fundis have devised, we all have at least once thought about the state and power that surrounds a big package.
That said, though it is highly praised, a big dick is not something that is ideal. Various studies have concluded that most men who are extremely well endowed find their colossal magic wands to be a sexual burden and they are in fact embarrassed. These are men who are holding serious dick, I’m talking 10 inches and beyond, with girth that is no less than the width of a 500ml coke bottle. The reason for shame is obvious, everyone likes having a little more than the usual, but no one wants to abnormal, because there is too much of a good thing. With an appendage that’s almost the size of a Pringles tin it is only natural that one feels nervous to whip it out stick it in let alone requesting a deep throat. Those with these strangely large peckers have great difficulty getting a great lay. Sexual experts have advised that they never go on top as there’s a risk of disfiguring the internals of the person that they’re ploughing. Then there are those who can handle their fat wood, men who have mastered entrance & motion. Besides the obvious physiological difference, a big penis will affect a person’s mental disposition & self-esteem. Those who lack size are proof of this, we’re all aware of the small penis community whose actions and overbearing-ness reveals their dissatisfaction with their microscopic pricks.
Interesting to note (Things that affect the size of dick) :
Penis size varies, elements that can influence size are mainly the level of arousal, the time of day, room temperature and one’s frequency of sexual activity.
Penis size can and does affect one’s self esteem, which is why some are not proud of their monster cocks and others seek medical assistance and enlargers. Though I am an advocate for fixing whatever it is on your body that you may have a deep complexity about, I’m very reluctant with repairing things which you did not choose and don’t fundamentally affect your life. But I guess the state of a man’s penis is life altering. So whether you can easily fill up a magnum XL or need a custom-made extra small condom, love and take care of your dick.

And remember: just because a man flies a Boeing 747 doesn’t mean he knows how to land it.

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Since we’re twit-pic’n: The skinny on twitpicing booze & grub

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

While I’m not one to dictate how folk should handle their social networking handles, I always find pleasure in observing the things people do and share on the interwebs. There’s no disputing the point that twitter & facebook rest on the notion of letting people share their lives with whomever, through a few clicks those who interact with you get a chance to see how you live like and how you’re living and all that nice stuff blah blah blah. Therefore taking pictures of what you’re drinking and eating is part of letting people in on what’s going down in your life, your mouth and your bladder.

A conversation I once had with a friend was “Why are we taking pictures of our food & not eating it? Why you taking pics of your drank and not sipping?” Obviously people eventually do get around nibbling what they snapped but for what reason are we taking photos of our drinks & food? Granted there those who simply take photographs  of their consumables to boast, floss brag about  how they are spending stacks on expensive cuisine and ordering all types of drinks & bottles of booze which could cost more than a toilet cleaner’s salary, one must ask is this tendency a “look at me & what I eat and drink” or are people genuinely sharing beauty and the yummy luxurious and goods that life has to offer?

Not everyone who posts a picture does it to get a few RTs, some do it just to share the splendour of something, it’s not about them & their paper. It’s about sharing, letting people in on eatables that they should try out next time they out and about with spare change to chuck.  But if only the world was so simple and perfect, there are those who take pictures of things we do not need to see or would never bring near our mouths.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So here’s a 4 things you DON’T need to twitpic:

-Fast-Food meals: I honestly don’t want to see a picture of a McFeast Deluxe or a Debonairs’ Real Deal 20 buck pizza, I think we all know what those meals look and taste like. If I’d like to keep a memoir of a streetwise two, I’ll hang an enlarged KFC pamphlet in my living room. It has no business on my timeline.

– Cappuccinos & lattes:  Unless the foam is made of cocaine froth or you’re at a place where their cinos and lattes have been revolutionised, we don’t need to see it. A cappuccino & a latte is a cappuccino & a latte.

– Badly cooked meals:  Honestly seeing a bad plate  of food on your time-line or newsfeed is makes my heart sink, I pity the user more than anything.  True breakfast meal pics are a favourite, however, there are those who think an almost burnt hard egg with two funny shaped pork bangers and a badly cut ring of tomato is cute. Stop that. When in doubt if your home-cooked meal deserves exposure, ask yourself this: Would the Jamie Oliver tweet this? If the answer is no, don’t.

– Box wine: You’re already drinking left overs made from all sorts of cheap wines in a carton. You don’t need to let the whole world in on what’s getting you slizzard as you tweet “I’m so wasted”. Team Namaqua is guilty of this.

Sharing is the sole purpose of sending images to social networks. To share things and introduce people to products and to celebrate beautiful edibles and drinkables is beautiful. Although you may not be aware, but our lifestyles and social network accounts are marketing fields for any product. What you tweet, you endorse, so be careful about the things you give your 140 characters.  My rule: If a Twit would tweet it, DON’T TWEET IT! 🙂

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Music Vintage: Sarah Vaughn

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sass, clarity & a voice spinkled with angelic sweetness & goodness which comes from the pits of passion. Sarah Vaughn had sass, talent and something extra which we could never explain but is only known to her and her maker. Ella Fitzgerald called her “The world’s greatest singing talent”, which explains why one can hear Ella whisper through Vaughn’s formidable sound, they were both made of the same stuff.

About:

  • Born in Newark, New Jersey, in 1924
  • her father was an amateur guitarist and her laundress mother was a church vocalist.
  • She studied piano from the age of seven.
  • influenced many vocalists such as Anita Baker.

She’s a treasure and aught to be remembered.

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Remembering Michael Jackson. [plus vintage photos from Michael Jackson’s childhood]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Michael Jackson would’ve been 53 today, and his legacy remains sacred and untainted. When you’ve got  it, you’ve got it, & no one can ever take it away, including what you leave behind when you die. I remember putting a T-shirt over my head just so that I could have hair to whip when I was imitating the slick choreography to Remember The Time.

With great artists, I am always intrigued by their human side. Michael was not only about sparkly gloves and an aggressive face with a bottom lip bite and a pelvic thrust. He represented the importance of love and how important it is to make kindness a priority. But the biggest thing he represented was the wrath of fame. How it deprives, how it eats and how it steals. Michael was deprived of a childhood, his innocence was incomplete because we ate him at a young age and stole moments every human being should experience. But even his psyche and troubled soul could never taint his talent and all though he is gone, his talent and it’s remains is what we have left. Be it clips on VCR, concert DVDs, YouTube footage, pictures on Flickr or Posters from magazines, and my T-shirt to put over my head, He will never be forgotten.

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