I know we’re all tired of hearing the “W” word, but some black girls make it incredibly difficult for us to zip it and carry on with our lives. Many things infuriate me with the hair weave, it is indeed a tricky matter to be always attempted with caution and like I always say, a hair weave is just like oral sex, if you’re going to go there do it good, do it right and follow through. Sadly organising a hair weave isn’t as easy as mastering arm thrusts, head bobbing motion and tongue work. It’s bad enough that the hair weave, is a bad copy-paste of all the Janes & Beckys of the world, but when you do it with so many errors and glitches which make it painful to look at, you look like a serious mistake.
Here’s a rundown of a few things that irk me about the hair weave:
The patting & the scratching:
The sight of a fingernail aggressively buried deep, deep down in the depths of artificial fibre frightens me. I know Beyonce (God I love this bitch!) said its ok to “Pat your weave ladies, pat, pat pat your weave ladies”, but remember hers probably cost more than your salary. I hear women scratch because it gets itchy, if that’s the case, and it persists please seek medical attention.
Like Julius Malema your weave cannot be moved:
The natural element of wind can be disastrous, sometimes it’ll expose the meticulous grafting under your hair and other times it will put your weave to the test. All weaves should bounce and move, they should dance in the presence of a little Sasha Fierce stage wind, when yours cant, I get worried.
Why can’t I see your hairline? Girl whatchu hiding?
You can pay for weave but you can’t buy hairline. Even those who spend copious amounts on hair extensions can be victim to this tragedy. You’re short of hairline so you think you’re slick and can cover it with silky strands of hair? WRONG! We see you!
Highlights which look like streaks squirted on with a spray can:
Different shades of hair on a head are meant to look cool, that’s only if there’s cohesion. Nothing I hate more than seeing black hair with streaks of ginger. Rihanna made you think you could pull it off, didn’t she? Ha ha ha, SIKE!
Your weave is negligent; it refuses to cover its tracks:
Seeing factory threading of your weave and cotton strands and the untidy cornrows your hairdresser banged up is not cool! STOP THAT!
Why is your weave so oily, looking like it ate pig meat?
Greasy hair is disgusting. More so when one can see that a weave is not only shiny, but it’s dripping with hair food and God knows what else you put on it to try making it look cute. Not attractive.
*sniff* *sniff* why does your head smell like plastic?
I’m very wary of weaves that glisten with hope because as I come close, It reeks of the factory floor your fibre was stitched in.
Is that a weave or a blanket?
I’m sure it was a good idea in winter but come summer time your weave can become responsible for making your forehead sweat like a sinner in church. That’s probably because it’s so thick and heavy and looks like a grey prison Pep blanket.
Why is your weave pregnant with an afro in the middle?
This is the most awkward blunder; the sight of a little afro sticking out in the middle of your head is Sad! Sad! Sad! Your weave should amalgamate with your hair, not separate. U.N.I.T.Y!
I believe the point of a weave is to deceive me, to trick me. Which is why I get upset when you’re in my eye space and fail to fulfil this purpose, hence I tell all my girlfriends to adhere to the following rule when debating about a new hairstyle: When in doubt, BRAID!